BAA : Today I had my first crush
Us: Your first ever?
BAA (who has a new car): Yeah…I’ve been careful with the car all month
Us: Oh..crash, not crush
BAA: Yes, this guy came by and I sort of swung out. It wasn’t really his fault. *Pout pout*
BAA: And dad screamed at me
Us: But you didn’t scream at the guy?
BAA: No, it wasn’t his fault
Us: Since when were road accidents anyone’s fault?
BAA: You know we can claim the driver’s salary…?
SNC: Under conveyance allowance?
BAA: So I thought NB could sign for my receipts and I could sign his!
SNC: Great, so this is the new corporate saying, “You drive mine, I drive yours?”
SFOS: Can I claim a driver’s salary for my bike?
Today I put my techno-greek foot back in my mouth (again! again! again!)
SNC: Do you know the iRiver?
Me: The what river?
SNC: Okay, you don’t know it.
Me: I didn’t hear you…what river?
SNC: The iRiver
Me: I don’t know it. What’s that?
SNC: Its like the iPod, an MP3 player
SFOS: Who are the makers?
Me: Apple obviously (going by the preceding ‘i’)
SNC: No, it isn’t. Its a me-too.
Me: Hmm…I wonder how come no one has come up with ‘iPea’ as yet.
*Loud laughter while I realise what I’ve said*
Me: What the hell…okay, maybe ‘iPeas’.
Me: OH shut up! You know what I meant!
SNC: What…HARHARHAR….is wrong with you? KHEE KHEE KHEE…..there would be a problem if you didn’t!!!
Me: *Sulk sulk sulk*
SFOS: *in a serious undertone* That was a foe-grandpa
SFOS: A faux-grand-pas….the grandfather of a faux pas!
SNC ‘accidently’ drops a photograph. We all coo over the chubby, grinning baby in the pic and then I look up and say “It doesn’t look like you at all!” Then we get into a discussion of how we looked as babies.
NB: When I was a kid, I had straight hair.
Me: When I was a kid, I had curly hair.
SFOS: When I was a kid, I had hair.
….which puts an end to the conversation.
Was out for a meeting all afternoon and I got back to find a mailbox full of messages.
SNC turned up skulking close by and here’s what followed:
SNC: Anyone interested in an aloo paratha?
Me: I have an aloo paratha left over from lunch too.
SFOS: *raising eyebrows*
Me: Well, mine is home-made delicious.
SNC: There is an excess of aloo paratha in the company system today.
SFOS: Why aren’t you having it?
SNC: Because I’m not well.
Me: If you’re declining food, then you’re definitely unwell!
Back to my mailbox overflowing with messages…. sighing over a day that was beginning (all over again) at 6 in the evening, I started going through them all. The last one made me laugh out loud. It was a one-liner marked to the entire office and it said,
“There is an aloo paratha lying in the microwave. Owners please do the needful.”
And a reply some 3 minutes later from SFOS with one single word…”SNC”.
SNC dropped by just now to borrow my stapler as always…and I went “heyloo jee”. To which he hmph-ed and said “SFOS, tell her I’m not talking to her!”
Tch, tch, people have such fragile egos….or perhaps just too much aloo paratha in their system.
The nosy neighbor is back.
He tiptoes upto me from the back to see what’s on my screen.
I whirl around yelling “YEEAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH”
He goes “YEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWW” as the wheels on my chair run over his toes.
Me: Serves you right for snooping. Never heard of privacy?
He: I’m not snooping. I’m just supervising your work.
Me: Yeah right. Do you think I’ll be checking my blog anytime you’re in the vicinity?
He: *swiping my lunch* Chomp chomp.
I check my email.
He: What kind of a loser still uses yahoomail?
Me: A loser like me…
He: Haven’t you heard of gmail?
Me: A loser who moderates a few yahoogroups. A loser who takes photographs and shares them with friends. A loser who uses messenger to chat. A loser like me who does all that.
SNC: I think someone asked for it.
SFOS: Who asked for what?
Can’t even check my mail in peace
Not a week goes by without one of us having a problem with a bank. Login access problems, wrongly debited entries, incorrect charges…the list is endless. We got to thinking of some ways to keep our money safe and out of the reach of those moolah-monsters….
SNC: I think I’ll withdraw all my cash and keep it at home
SFOS: Where? Inside a bucket?
SNC: Won’t even fill a mug!
Me: Stuff it in your mattress….you must have a ‘rajaai’ as a relic from your earlier place
SFOS: Yeah and I’ll stuff mine into a turban. My desert faring ancestors will be only too happy!
Me: I have no such options….will have to do with the chor banks I guess!
SNC: Oh no….yours is the best. You can wear your cassu-malai all the time! (note: For non-Tam speakers, this is a monstrosity that parades as jewellery…made of coins dangling off a huge strip of gold)
Heard this week…
Out to lunch
AKB: I’m having pav-bhaji
SNC: Mereko bhi
SFOS: Abbe chup…kitne overs baki?
CTC (Crank turns cool): Ae bhai, yeh masala-pav soo chey?
Me: Badoo spicy chey
CTC: Terese poocha kya…tu waiter kya? Hot is the way I like it, baby!
AKB: Me stuffed..not another bite
CTC: *Sniff* Majha pott par aag lagli
AKB: Kameene…mere matr-bhasha ki to kadar kar!
Me: Yeh to kabr khodne mein lage hue hai
CTC: Nalayakon mujhe paani do…
Me: Is that the way you like it…baby?
CTC: Bhai…tereko chahiye kya yeh?
SNC: Bill tu bhar raha hai kya?
Me: Khane ka ya hospital ka?
SFOS: Shut up you jokers, India has won!
Back at work
AKB: Kameene…mere comp ko kya kar diya? Tum…..
SNC: “Tum bade woh ho”?
AKB: *Smoke pouring out of ears*Jaa be….kambaqt..
SNC: Kambaqt ishq hai jo..
SFOS: Yeh Joe kaun hai? Tereko maine bola tha na no flirting!
AKB: Ekdum chakram insaan hai. I hereby pronounce you king of idioticity~
SFOS: Yeh kya hai?
AKB: *Holding a crown made of the foil her lunch came in* Yeh aap ki chakri, Raja Chakramaditya!
AKB: He was this king…
Me: Vikram vikram vikram…betal betal betal…vikram aur betal…remember that?
AKB: What rubbish! He was fictitious
Me: No he wasn’t. He was mythological
SFOS: What’s a chakri?
Me: Chakri is small chakra like kurti is small kurta
On a particularly scorching day, five people jammed into a tiny soap-box (ooops…the Boss di gaddi…) with laptops, files, phones ringing, hands-free wires tangling, radio stations clashing and the road bump-bump-bumping along….provide enough fodder for yet another post in the Office Capers section.
Waiting for AKB who’s late.
SNC: Is that her?
SFOS: Nahin, koi aur thi.
SNC: Jo bhi thi, bahut achchi thi.
SFOS: Mooh bandh….ladki ko dekha nahin aur……tereko to dekhna hi padega
SFOS: Hmph! Now this is too much….talaq, talaq, talaq….jaa ab!
AKB: HIIIIIIIIII….sorry I’m late!
SFOS: I tell you…kya musibat hai yaar, phone kaat diya!
SNC: Tune bill nahin bhara hoga!
SFOS: Arre nahin…I paid on Saturday and they connected again. Now again, its gone.
AKB: Connected again? Iska matlab pehle bhi kaata tha?
SNC: Maine bola na…bill nahin bhara hoga!
AKB: Tu naa…Reliance mobile lele.
SFOS: Arre nahin…who bhi kaat diya!
GOD (aka da Boss): Global defaulters’ list mein daal diya hoga!
VAOE (Voice at other end): Buzz buzz buzz
SFOS: No, I’ll call the Aquaguard guys, you call MTNL!
VAOE: BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!!!
SFOS: I did that last time!
GOD (aka da Boss): Abbe….look at the way that guy cut across!!
AKB: Hmph…roll down the window and give them a piece of your mind!
SNC: Does he have any?
Me: Does he know what to say?
*Thunk thunk thunk….the window rolls down*
*SFOS working up a steam*
*All of us waiting with bated breath*
SFOS: Kya hua???
Errant motorcyclist: ??Kuch nahin!
AKB: Yeh gaali tha?
Me: Now you know what he means the next time he asks you what’s up!
Another crazy day at work. So of course I picked up several nuggets to blog about. My usual terminology of:
SNC (Someone from the next cubicle)
SFOS (Someone from the other side)
AKB(Allah ki bandi aka chamchi to Boss)
SNC: Tickets mil gaye….I’ll be landing at 11 a.m., meeting her then taking the 7:30 train back
God (aka da BOSS): Huh? Ladki ko milne jaa raha hai ki business deal sign karne jaa raha hai?
SNC: No such luck…opportunity costs estimate bhi nahin kar sakte hai, yehan par!
SFOS: Kamine…mereko always pata tha tu aisa hi hai!
AKB: Jealous or what?
SFOS: Hmph…you stupid females would never understand…this is higher love!
AKB and Me: *In splits*
God (aka da BOSS): But seriously, why don’t you stay over and take the train the next day
SNC: Na…will land there, meet her at the hotel, talk to her, take the train back, baat khatam!
AKB: Hmph…hotel mein? I know you, you besharam bugger
SNC: Huh! Only option is to go to her place. Wahan pe uske parents ke saath small talk, bhai ke saath choo-chaa…no time to talk to her at all!
Me: Perhaps you should have a timesheet drawn up for this:
05 minutes – freshening up before meeting
10 minutes – buying sweets and fruits
25 minutes – small talk with parents
20 minutes – hogging home-cooked lunch (and absolutely no extensions on this!!!)
20 minutes – taking leave or trying to to
02 minutes – figure out how to get her alone….
SNC: Usko message karoonga…..mobile kisliye diya hai usko?
Me: okay……10 seconds – SMS…..figure out the rest!
God (aka da BOSS): Maybe we should shift you into HR and Admin!!!
Me: Have mercy!!! All I was trying to do was help a distressed soul!
SNC: Haan….wohi karo and add “Making sadistic comments” as an entry on her timesheet!!
SFOS: Usne mere saath jhagda kiya!
God (aka da BOSS): What, now? But you said she was a very ‘quiet, homely type’!
SFOS: So she is…she says “I have three issues: You eat meat, you drink and you speak English”
All of us: HUHHHHH????????????
SNC: Pata hai, my parents had posted my ad in the newspaper matrimonials column. Unfortunately they ran it under “Men wanted” instead!
AKB: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH…..Yeh tere saath hi kyon hota hai?
SFOS: Phir kya hua? *Glaring*
Me: Yeah, go on tell him….he’s dying to beat up your admirers in any case…competition needs to be kept in its place!
SFOS: Grrrrr……tum log to samajhte hi nahin ho naa!
SNC: Yeah, just imagine mujhe kitne responses aaye honge for “Wanted beautiful, fair, god-fearing…”