Do you say all the things to the world that you wish somebody would say to you? Do you spend your moments putting out what you’ve been told will come back to you, manifold?
It can feel like a lonely world when you find yourself sole custodian of cheer and hope and joy and good humour. The thing is, people don’t always mean to be exploitative. But we live in a starved world where to see something means to covet it, not be inspired by it.
How do you keep hope in a transactional universe? Even the principle of karma which is about taking control of and responsibility for your own actions, thoughts and feelings has been turned into a debit-and-credit column of good acts and returns owed. How do you find hope in a world that’s unwilling to give it to you? I’ll tell you.
Close your eyes. Close it to the impoverishment of hearts. Close it to the starved souls. Close it to the morally bankrupt, the ethically careless, the selfish and those who would live from fear instead of hope. Close it, pull yourself in for a minute. Pull back all the good sentiment you put out into the universe. Feel it return to you in silvery streaks of caring, in gold threads of loyalty, in star-studded clouds of faith, in bow-tied ribbons of connection. Feel them nourish your soul, feel them bind together the fragmenting pieces of you.
You are good. You are well. You are okay. Your quest for hope and love is not about handing them out to other people, in return for their reciprocal gifts. You are on a journey, not a child’s birthday party. Your lesson is not to find hope. It is to become HOPE.
Close your eyes and feel it become one with every cell of you.
Summer is here and this time it seems harsher than it has been in past years.
I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not 2017 anymore. While the world is in turmoil in so many ways, it still feels like a better time for me personally than the last year was. Do we get used to suffering? I think so.
I’m not a suicidal person but…sentences that begin that way lend themselves to assumption, don’t they? I don’t assume I know the ending of people’s sentences when they start. But lately, I’ve been finding myself cut off more and more in conversations. I’ve spent a lot of time calling out mansplaining and the silencing of women and these actions are definitely gendered. But I also think this kind of NONONONONONANANANANAANAICANTHEARYOUIDONTHEARYOU speaks about our culture.
We are a world of screams and no words. I’m not here for the screaming. I empathise with the anguish that makes a human being unable or unwilling to receive any kind of input from other people. But I don’t want to tend to anybody’s wounds now. I don’t think I even can. It’s a hurt world and its healing lies in itself. Maybe that is the lesson of living – how to remember to stop hurting.
I’ve written about this before. They’re nets of words around a dimly grasped idea. Dim, partly because I’ve been learning about myself and about men. Also because everyone around me conspires to keep me from finding this out and having chanced upon it, to blame it on me. Because it doesn’t look good. Let’s call […]
Play a game with me. Ready? Pick any one answer: QUESTION: What do you call a guy who makes a call at 1:30AM stoned and drunk to a girl who said she was having a bad day at 11:30PM? A. A thoughtful, considerate, caring person who is taking time off partying to help someone in […]
The struggle is real. This is the struggle to see men as worthy of empathy. No, they do not make it easy. And everyone and their brother and misogyny-internalised sister collude to shame me for not feeling more empathy. Who will explain that empathy cannot be forced? That shaming and attacking only create fear and […]
Last week, I was trolled about my looks. Some men friends said they liked how I look. The troll’s attack is based on the idea that a woman’s worth is in her looks and that anyone can boost/undermine it with words. My friends, however well-intentioned, were reinforcing that idea. Strangers like salespeople have felt entitled […]
I’ve noticed a pattern in the last few men I’ve dated, echoed also in some of my male friends of similar age. They open with WORK FIRST. They’re managers, they’re artists, they’re performers, they’re entrepreneurs, they’re chefs and architects and engineers. They’re all about how what they’re doing is priority, how it’s super important and […]