Tag Archives: Big boss

Ragger and raggee

So now I have a whole new range of people to nickname and quote. Haven’t got the names for them yet but the conversations flow so here’s another edition of Office Capers….

Naya bachcha (NB) is a fresh-off-the-MBA-factory-lineup, as yet wet behind the ears and soooo delightfully uninitiated to the world, it gives me an almost gleeful thrill to think I’ve grown out of that.
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NB: Sir, do we have to come to office on Saturday?
Boss: Yes!
NB: * In despondent small voice * Oh….kal bhi aana hoga
Me: Aur kya? Furniture kaun saaf karega?
NB: Hmph….pak gaye yeh manuals padh ke!
Me: Abhi se? Shyam ko test mein kya likhoge?
NB: Test????
Boss: Yes, I’ll ask you to write a composition in the evening on “Everything I learnt today”
NB: *In frantic small voice* Sachchi kya?
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Big boss: I’m going to Matheran tomorrow
Small boss: Ooh its a lovely place!
Me: It is?
Small boss: Yes, full of red clay everywhere. Great place if you want to murder someone!
Me: *dumbstruck*
Small boss:…yeah and you can bury the bodies so no one will ever know!
Big boss: Is that so? So now we know what your ‘past experience’ and ‘acquired skills’ are!
Me: I promise I’ll do all my work properly and not make a single mistake!
Big boss: And don’t go to Matheran with her!

The team goes out for a meeting

On a particularly scorching day, five people jammed into a tiny soap-box (ooops…the Boss di gaddi…) with laptops, files, phones ringing, hands-free wires tangling, radio stations clashing and the road bump-bump-bumping along….provide enough fodder for yet another post in the Office Capers section.

Waiting for AKB who’s late.
SNC: Is that her?
SFOS: Nahin, koi aur thi.
SNC: Jo bhi thi, bahut achchi thi.
SFOS: Mooh bandh….ladki ko dekha nahin aur……tereko to dekhna hi padega
SNC: HAHAHAHAHA…
SFOS: Hmph! Now this is too much….talaq, talaq, talaq….jaa ab!
AKB: HIIIIIIIIII….sorry I’m late!

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SFOS: I tell you…kya musibat hai yaar, phone kaat diya!
SNC: Tune bill nahin bhara hoga!
SFOS: Arre nahin…I paid on Saturday and they connected again. Now again, its gone.
AKB: Connected again? Iska matlab pehle bhi kaata tha?
SNC: Maine bola na…bill nahin bhara hoga!
AKB: Tu naa…Reliance mobile lele.
SFOS: Arre nahin…who bhi kaat diya!
GOD (aka da Boss): Global defaulters’ list mein daal diya hoga!

*Ring ring*
SFOS: Hey-low!
VAOE (Voice at other end): Buzz buzz buzz
SFOS: No, I’ll call the Aquaguard guys, you call MTNL!
VAOE: BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!!!
SFOS: I did that last time!
VAOE: @#$%!!!

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GOD (aka da Boss): Abbe….look at the way that guy cut across!!
AKB: Hmph…roll down the window and give them a piece of your mind!
SNC: Does he have any?
Me: Does he know what to say?

*Thunk thunk thunk….the window rolls down*
*SFOS working up a steam*
*All of us waiting with bated breath*

SFOS: Kya hua???
Errant motorcyclist: ??Kuch nahin!
AKB: Yeh gaali tha?
Me: Now you know what he means the next time he asks you what’s up!

Shubh Mangal

Another crazy day at work. So of course I picked up several nuggets to blog about. My usual terminology of:
SNC (Someone from the next cubicle)
SFOS (Someone from the other side)
AKB(Allah ki bandi aka chamchi to Boss)

SNC: Tickets mil gaye….I’ll be landing at 11 a.m., meeting her then taking the 7:30 train back
God (aka da BOSS): Huh? Ladki ko milne jaa raha hai ki business deal sign karne jaa raha hai?
SNC: No such luck…opportunity costs estimate bhi nahin kar sakte hai, yehan par!
SFOS: Kamine…mereko always pata tha tu aisa hi hai!
AKB: Jealous or what?
SFOS: Hmph…you stupid females would never understand…this is higher love!
AKB and Me: *In splits*
God (aka da BOSS): But seriously, why don’t you stay over and take the train the next day
SNC: Na…will land there, meet her at the hotel, talk to her, take the train back, baat khatam!
AKB: Hmph…hotel mein? I know you, you besharam bugger
SNC: Huh! Only option is to go to her place. Wahan pe uske parents ke saath small talk, bhai ke saath choo-chaa…no time to talk to her at all!
Me: Perhaps you should have a timesheet drawn up for this:
05 minutes – freshening up before meeting
10 minutes – buying sweets and fruits
25 minutes – small talk with parents
20 minutes – hogging home-cooked lunch (and absolutely no extensions on this!!!)
20 minutes – taking leave or trying to to
02 minutes – figure out how to get her alone….
SNC: Usko message karoonga…..mobile kisliye diya hai usko?
Me: okay……10 seconds – SMS…..figure out the rest!
God (aka da BOSS): Maybe we should shift you into HR and Admin!!!
Me: Have mercy!!! All I was trying to do was help a distressed soul!
SNC: Haan….wohi karo and add “Making sadistic comments” as an entry on her timesheet!!
Me: *POW!*

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SFOS: Usne mere saath jhagda kiya!
God (aka da BOSS): What, now? But you said she was a very ‘quiet, homely type’!
SFOS: So she is…she says “I have three issues: You eat meat, you drink and you speak English”
All of us: HUHHHHH????????????

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SNC: Pata hai, my parents had posted my ad in the newspaper matrimonials column. Unfortunately they ran it under “Men wanted” instead!
AKB: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH…..Yeh tere saath hi kyon hota hai?
SFOS: Phir kya hua? *Glaring*
Me: Yeah, go on tell him….he’s dying to beat up your admirers in any case…competition needs to be kept in its place!
SFOS: Grrrrr……tum log to samajhte hi nahin ho naa!
SNC: Yeah, just imagine mujhe kitne responses aaye honge for “Wanted beautiful, fair, god-fearing…”

Freaky Friday fun

You can tell the pressure is getting to us when the crazy jokes start flying. Today’s dose of hysteria that flags off the weekend before that big meeting:

GOD (a.k.a da Boss): So who gave the talk finally?
Me: RC…that manager guy
SNC (Someone from the next cubicle): RC? Rajput banda hai…
SFOS (Someone from the other side): Zyaada khush hone ki koi zaroorat nahin. Without reason talwar utha lete hain tum log!
SNC: Angrezon ke joote to nahin chaate the, na???
SFOS: *Inaudible and consequently unprintable mumbling*
SNC: Yaad hai, yaad hai…angrezon ke saath rang-raliyan manana??
Me: Like he was around in those days…
SNC: Haan…yaad hai kya?
GOD (a.k.a da Boss): Jab main chota ladka tha…
AKB (Allah ki bandi a.k.a. chamchi to boss): Badi sharaarat karta tha…
SFOS: Angrezon ke saath khelta tha…
AKB:Sab RC ka kamaal….!
GOD (a.k.a da Boss): And it’s a WRAP!!! Pack up guys and have a great weekend!

The tribulations of an ant

Wednesday: Meeting at 10:30, made it after wading through knee deep water, rolled up trouser legs, precariously balancing laptop on one shoulder (uggh….why don’t they make these things lighter?) and handbag on the other. Made it into the office! Soaking umbrella dumped into the bucket at the door, hair slicked back gel-style, clothes smoothed (thank god for synthetics!), a touch of compact and I’m ready to go!

Meeting went off well. After polite talk about the weather and state of trains in monsoons, we got down the nitty-gritty. Am signing off the minutes of that meeting with “Looks promising.”

Finished close to lunch. Debated whether to go to office (a rhetorical question). Braved muddy water flowing into the auto from either side and a taxi smelling like only damp upholstery can. Walked into a deserted office and a voice floats by “You actually came???”

No, I sent a solid holographic representation of myself so that you could claim to be good at ‘boosting employee morale’!!!

Thursday: I used to like swivel chairs as a kid. Now they’re my saviours. Twirling…thinking….*sniff sniff* “Smell something?”, “Yeah, something awful”, “Sniff sniff….yikes, there’s a leakage in the walls, we’re flooding up!!!”……roll roll roll away on these swivel beauties to the refuge of the conference room! Spent the whole day there while the housekeeping lads battled with the overflowing wrath of the water that runs below our building.

Now I can tell people, I live on one drain and I work on another and whole thing just about drains me out!!!

Friday: Workshop Agenda:
Introductions, *smile smile*
Gyaan *nod intelligently*
Ho hum sessions *Doodle on pad and sneak glances at mobile to check time*
Lunch *wow…these are always good*
Post-lunch trauma….errr sessions *glazed eyes and pasted on smile*
Wrap-up “We’ll finish the rest tomorrow. Please be here at 9 a.m. sharp”
>*#$%^…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Saturday: Workshop continues….
Half the team comes late….the upper half (but of course!)
*Yawn yawn yawn till lunch*
*Making plans for tonight by SMS*
LUNCH!!!!!!!!!
“Thank you X,Y,Z. This was a very enlightening session. We hope it will be of use to everyone present. Blah…blah…blah” *Pasted on smile*

Sometimes I feel like school never got over!

Sunday: BOSS calls at 4pm: “Are you busy?”
Me: (attempting cheerfulness) No, not at all. Tell me?
No, I was just sitting next to my phone on a Sunday after having worked over the weekend, waiting for you to call with more work!
BOSS: The project is over and they loved it! We just got the mail from the other end! Now you can have a great weekend!
Me: Wow, that’s great!

Errr…when you said weekend, didja mean I could have tomorrow off??Gaaad my sense of humour scares me sometimes!

Monday: The day after a deadline + Monday + No rains, so no leaving early……..*yawn*. An old pal mails, brilliant brain types “You and I aren’t ever going to be Edison or Einstein. Chill out gal, work isn’t that important”.

Yeah, like the world waits a quarter of a century to tell me that???????

God at work?

Snippets from a conversation around the conference table. Oops…did I say conversation? What I meant, of course, was “meaningless dittherings of overworked minds and several cold germs floating around in the rain-drenched, overflowing drain-scented office”.

Scene: Working on the fifty-ninth version of ‘Final presentation to client’…
Me: O god!
God (aka da BOSS): Yes my child?
Me: Please stop this rain
God (aka da BOSS): Inacceptable request. Wish rejected
Me: Resend wish
God (aka da BOSS): Reject wish and resend rejection to source human
Me: Resend 20,000 times
God (aka da BOSS): Activate spam guard
Me: Resend with virus and worm
God (aka da BOSS): Virus protection filter active. Attach massive downpour and hailstorms with rejection note.
Me: Send evil ecard and online voodoo curse
God (aka da BOSS): Auto reply “Not at office”.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Glossary of terms

SNC: Someone from the next cubicle

SFOS: Someone from the other side

AKB: Allah ki bandi a.k.a boss ki chamchi

God a.k.a da BOSS

VOAE: Voice at other end of phone

CTC: Crank turns cool

HRP: Human Resources Professional

CC: Close confidante

Emp: Some employee of the organisation

NB: Naya bachcha

SIT: Smarts in an ivory tower

CuCo: Culture cocktail

FF: Funny Firang

FF: Tea-and-me

Piggy’s Poison Plaza: Office canteen run by Mr.P a.k.a. Piggy

NN: Nosy neighbor

BAA: Bengali after all!! Thinks ‘sonata’ describes a silent Bengali. Also reminds us frequently that roshogullas, mishti doi, Mukherjees, Ray, Ghosh, Sengupta are all from Great Bengal. And that a movie/song/play deserved an award because the driver of the writer’s wife’s sister’s nephew was ‘Bengali after all’!!

LOC: Line of Control running through ‘no-employee’s land’ between my office space and SNC’s. This is as hotly disputed over as PoK.

PJ Rani: Queen of PJs

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