I’m looking for things that will make my heart bleed


I’m looking for things that will make my heart bleed. That may seem strange, considering. But unlike everything else, the heart gets hungrier, the more it is fed. No wait, that describes the brain too. Well, my brain and my heart.

I’m looking for things that will make my heart bleed. And pound. And moan. And retch. And fizzle. And burn. And wash me away in a flood of emotions, memories and broken dreams.

I’m looking for things that will make my heart bleed. Like Thought Catalog posts. And Crime Patrol episodes. Alternated with over-the-top cheery romances. A conversation about an incubator baby. And the memory of a baby that never was. Thanking God for the first and laughing over the second. And then, crying over both.

I’m looking for things that will make my heart bleed. And my nose run. And my head ache. And my neck stiffen. And my shoulders cramp. And keep me awake into the neon-lit night, knocking me out seven minutes before the sunlight hits me like a punch in the face. I can’t tell you why that feels so good. Hurts so much and it feels so good.

I’m looking for things that will make my heart bleed. Because it’s bleeding in a trickle already and that’s okay. If I can make that trickle into a gush of bloody emotion, maybe it’ll carry me over the edge. I’ve been hung in limbo for so long. And the stretched out agony of not knowing. The soul-sucking aimlessness of it all. I was very nearly gone, vanished into a tiny point of soon-nothingness. Almost. Almost, not quite.

And that is why I’m looking for things that will make my heart bleed.

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5 thoughts on “I’m looking for things that will make my heart bleed

  1. Vrushali June 21, 2012 at 21:16 Reply

    I wish peace for your heart.

    Like

  2. sahu June 22, 2012 at 13:52 Reply

    maynot be the exact thing you want, but running 10k in the morning is something that could help.

    Like

  3. Ronaan Roy (@RonaanRoy) June 22, 2012 at 22:41 Reply

    Right, a few from each category. I’d post you links, but I’m quite unwell, and shan’t spend the time searching.

    In Series, the episode Maternity from House’s first season, is definitely something you’re looking for. Or you can try Dreams from season 8 of the series M*A*S*H. If you haven’t seen MASH before, it was the most popular sitcom before friends took over (which is a pity)

    In movies, there’s no love-related-movie better than In the Mood for Love. You might not think it while watching it, but it does whatever it does better than any other movie of it’s genre. Make sure you get a good print.
    I’m going to recommend the Japanese animation ‘Grave of the Fireflies’ with trepidation. Probably not a film to watch when you’re down, because it will bury you deep in misery.

    On the music front, there’s plenty from the album Blue from Joni Mitchell, plenty from Nina Simone, and It Never Entered my mind from Miles Davis

    Best.

    Like

  4. Anu July 2, 2012 at 11:28 Reply

    I am going through the same thing and could connect with this completely. I too wish peace for your heart, Idea. I wish it learns to live and love again.

    Like

  5. Aayushi July 7, 2012 at 19:21 Reply


    Heartbreaking writing.

    The part about the babies, well, it was scary.

    Like

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