Tough Love


He said,

To the people we love the most, we are a little bit crueler.

I thought about all the people I’ve adored and how they’d agree. Secretly so as to not hurt me. And openly just so they could.

He said it was because of a streak of sadism.
But I think it is precisely because we love so much that we’re cruel.

We fear being hurt and those closest to us are in the position to hurt us the most. So we play our little games and ration our love or at the very least, withdraw it every once in a way, just to ensure that it’s not taken for granted.

That’s cruelty, akin to pulling a fish in and out of water. But that’s how we survive.
With and without love.

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12 thoughts on “Tough Love

  1. chandni June 21, 2008 at 16:45 Reply

    hmmm…I think I agree…

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  2. Rakhi June 21, 2008 at 18:14 Reply

    Couldn’t agree more.

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  3. Varun Sadana June 22, 2008 at 06:01 Reply

    Hey am not sure this is sadism, and well am not sure what it is all.. and well.. now am thinking, if what u write is what i believe.. hmm.. maybe no.

    Varun Sadanas last blog post..No cartoon today

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  4. manuscrypts June 22, 2008 at 06:36 Reply

    true…..unfortunately… and sometimes the fish remains out long enough to suffer an irreparable damage or die… 😐

    manuscryptss last blog post..The real inflation

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  5. Rk June 22, 2008 at 07:20 Reply

    I ‘personally’ disagree. What I have observed is that, the people we love most are little bit cruel to us. I could go at little length explaining the logic behind this (among the few examples I have witnessed) and the examples, but keystrokes are expensive 😉

    Twotally offtopic question: How does your RSS feed neatly includes comments too ?

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  6. IdeaSmith June 22, 2008 at 16:08 Reply

    @ chandni, Rakhi: 🙂

    @ manuscrypts: Then we make fish-curry. :mrgreen:

    @ Rk: Do go on at length. The comments section of this blog has no word-limit. And I found this neat little plug-in that does it for me.

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  7. BR June 23, 2008 at 02:38 Reply

    I think it’s not so much sadism as it is masochism. When we hurt those closest to us, we’re hurting ourselves indirectly, and we know that while committing the act of cruelty. I think we mean to hurt ourselves from time to time. I think all humans are a bit masochistic – we constantly walk into trouble despite knowing that/how it can be avoided. That’s why we fail to do things that make the most logical sense like studying for exams or going to the gym, knowing full well that not doing those things will only hurt us some day! So, it’s only logical that this masochism be represented in our interpersonal relationships as well. I know, I need a therapist!

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  8. Rk June 23, 2008 at 05:19 Reply

    When I said keystrokes are expensive, I meant, I am too lazy to type out and it is probably not worth explaining ‘my’ view point.
    Anyways, now that I have some time, let me jot down what I meant.

    Lets say X loves Y.

    Case 1. Y does not love X. Some actions of Y, whether intentionally or not, is going to hurt X. It is because X loves Y, Y’s actions/behaviour/words/reactions matter to X, and X is going to get hurt if they are not inline with the expectations.

    Y does not really care about what X thinks, or how X would feel.

    Case 2: Y loves X too.
    Now as you explained, Y may be intentionally cruel to X, but if X gets hurt, it is more because X loves Y and not because Y loves X.

    May be I am wrong, but at least hope I am clear !

    Ps: In a peculiar but true case, X loved Y, but Y did not love X but loved Z.
    Now Z was unfair/cruel/put any negative word/ to Y, and Y retaliated by being unfair/etc to X.
    Howzzat ?

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  9. meetu June 23, 2008 at 08:20 Reply

    So true! Every single word. And every time I do that, I beat myself up. But, next time around, its the same bloody cruelty.

    I have also figured that ‘a position to have expectations’ is also a major player. As in if someone in your life holds a position to have expectations from you because of customs or social status, etc, like say a relative – you tend to be cruel to them.

    All-in-all, I call it my ‘defence mechanism’.

    meetus last blog post..Haal-e-dil

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  10. Tarun Chandel June 23, 2008 at 10:29 Reply

    Interesting post and what I love even more is the way people have reacted. I mean there is algebra, there are emotions and there are comparison of various “..isms” 🙂

    Let me take a dig at it as well. I read somewhere that, we end up killing what we love. Be it by expressing too much or too less of it. The economist in me tells me that it is a simple problem of demand and supply and it is simply about understanding the inverse relation that they share. The human disagrees and finds it too complex to even make sense. The life experiences tell me that keeping a balance is the key to happiness. The individual is always trying hard to keep that 🙂

    I hope I have put this discussion in enough of disarray.

    Tarun Chandel

    Tarun Chandels last blog post..Nashik Life

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  11. Rk June 23, 2008 at 14:16 Reply

    @meetu,
    “position to have expectations from you because of customs or social status, etc, like say a relative”
    Love ran out of nearest window, in this case, no ? 😉

    Rks last blog post..Pen-Vodafone Ad

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  12. IdeaSmith June 24, 2008 at 08:40 Reply

    @ BR: That’s just what my friend said.

    @ Rk: That’s cruelty too. Of a different sort.

    @ meetu: It’s our frustration in having to do things not because we want to but we’re compelled to, showing up perhaps?

    @ Tarun: 👿

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