Breaking Up Is A Reason To Celebrate


This occurred to me when I was talking to a friend this week about breaking up. There is so much of literature available on love – how to find it, how to handle it, how to make it happen, how to make it last. But what about the sometimes inevitable – loss of love? There must be a reason that this post remains one of my most popular ones to date.

We are born with a capacity to love. But breaking up and letting go is a learned act…a lesson that comes with a lot of pain. While I can’t find a way to make that experience any less painful, for those of you who face it, maybe this will make it easier to deal with.

Breaking up is never a dignified process. And yes, it is a process, not a step, not a one-time act. There will be moments when life seems to be about normal and then long days when it feels like it isn’t. If it truly has been an emotional attachment then there’s no escaping the fact that it will be difficult to let go, baggage and bad memories notwithstanding. Emotions are messy. That’s why psychiaterists, spiritual guides, counsellors and people like John Gray have a job. Don’t make it worse for yourself by piling guilt on top of pain. Just give it time and eventually the moments of normalcy will grow into days and the days of pain will cease to be – well, quite so painful. Time really does heal wounds.

Beauty magazines and self-help books usually advocate ‘pampering’ yourself which is taken to mean buy things for yourself or get a beauty makeover. Personally I find the concept of sending myself flowers silly and it makes me feel worse. I’d say celebrate yourself in whatever way you party. A relationship can have a way of sapping up all your time and energy. When it ends, it frees up all this extra time for you. Don’t be overwhelmed by it. Do something that you like, read, write, play a sport. People also have a way of getting into a self-defeating spiral, essentially punishing themselves for a relationship gone bad.

Try and think of somebody you are very fond of; preferably not the one you’re breaking up with but someone else like a parent, a cousin, a friend, a child. And think of what you would do for them if they were down and out. How compassionate we are with people we love and how hard we are on ourselves! Discover yourself. If it feels like no one loves you, well hey! That’s all the more reason for you to love yourself. Because if you don’t, no one else ever will.

If you’re tired of hearing that experiences are lessons, I am afraid I’ll only add to that. Yes, you certainly will learn something. About the person you loved, about the world, about relationships but most of all about yourself. You may wonder whether any lesson is worth such a price. To that I ask you – what are you worth to yourself? What would you give to receive the highest truth in your life?

You hurt today because of how much you’ve loved, how much of yourself you’ve given and how much it is tearing you to let it go. You have loved and for that I celebrate you. I hope you celebrate yourself as well.

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16 thoughts on “Breaking Up Is A Reason To Celebrate

  1. cj March 7, 2008 at 10:46 Reply

    hai idea smitha how r u

    Like

  2. devesh March 7, 2008 at 11:01 Reply

    it takes a mammoth of an effort to recover from a downward spiral… i believe it’s all about baby steps… a symmetry which you can probably draw in likes of recovering from depression!

    Like

  3. shadyrocker March 7, 2008 at 11:14 Reply

    Breaking up is also like destination reached or the ultimated goal achieved of companionship. Every thing has both-positive and negative effect. Its up on the individual which side they wish to explore. Its about accepting victory of sincere efforts of loving than looking down to defeat. That *is* when one needs rediscover himself/herself. I’m passing through the same phase. Yeh I am sad and down for few moments but there is a strong feeling inside me which raises me up..
    “Every time I fall, I rise!!!”…So with high hopes I march ahead in life. Thanks for this wonderful post.

    Like

  4. […] Read the rest of this great post here […]

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  5. Dreamcatcher March 7, 2008 at 18:54 Reply

    Labhly 🙂
    I liked that header though 🙂

    Like

  6. […] fathom how many people’s lives she would touch with that one post. Was talking to her about her latest post and somehow, the topic came around to Nostalgia Trip and my love for that post. I personally have […]

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  7. Pensive Lawyer March 8, 2008 at 12:08 Reply

    Am sure each person who has loved will celebrate…..for some idiot once said that “it is better to have loved and lost rather than not have loved at all…..”.

    On a more serious note, loved the post and thought i should tell you. Being the victim of a hit and run, it is eerily true!

    Like

  8. Ashish March 8, 2008 at 19:14 Reply

    Breakup is where one learns the lesson after the test.The ‘only’ better part is, due to the void created in life,you get all the free time in the world to do all the things in you always wanted to! But every time you get happy by doing so, you DO want to share that happiness with the ‘same person’. And now, to forget that person/memories you try to do more of such things! ‘Vicious Circle of Break up’ !! Great post, always a feeling of relief to read!

    Like

  9. Ravi March 8, 2008 at 21:49 Reply

    Thought-proving article!

    It reminded me of that time, when I was going through a major heartache..

    Take care!

    Like

  10. chennairamblings March 10, 2008 at 10:40 Reply

    This is beautiful and definitely helpful for some of us now. 😀
    Especially love the part about “You hurt today because of how much you’ve loved, how much of yourself you’ve given and how much it is tearing you to let it go”
    So true.

    Like

  11. greekalphabet March 10, 2008 at 19:16 Reply
  12. IdeaSmith March 11, 2008 at 09:07 Reply

    @ cj: Err..idea smitha? I’m fine, thank you very much but ‘idea smitha’? Reminds me of Silksmita…

    @ devesh: Yes, that’s true. Rome wasn’t built in a day and you don’t recover from losing a cherished relationship in a snap.

    @ shadyrocker: And all the very best to you. You sound like you’re determined to come out of it and that’s the best thing about it.

    @ Dreamcatcher: I want to hide under the table!

    @ Pensive Lawyer: Yes, you should. If for nothing else, but to remember that we inhabit the same planet. Friends talk, sometimes you know? 😉

    @ Ashish: Oh well, no one said life would be easy; no one said love was a bed of roses. Welcome to reality.

    @ Ravi: I hope you’ve recovered.

    @ chennairamblings: Peace be with you.

    @ greekalphabet: Aurrggghh….

    Like

  13. shadyrocker March 11, 2008 at 12:29 Reply

    @Ideasmith…silksmitha?? ROFL do you even know who she was? Anyways… when I read your article it was the time when I just called it quits. I was determined to get out of it. But then last sunday she walked back to me…gifted me something which I’ve desired since long – beautiful guitar. I seriously dont have a clue what to do…what I thought was break up might have been..lovers tiff…silly one though…But who knows…Before this tiff she told me that she’s gonna be as a friend for me. Now lets see what its gonna be like..I’m gonna give it some time…may be yet another chance…rest I am determined to come out of it…lots of things to do…I need to learn guitar to begin with…learning music and exploring it is totally awesome…I used to play keyboard (amateurish). So very keen with guitar. Wish me luck…for both!

    Like

  14. IdeaSmith March 12, 2008 at 10:32 Reply

    @ shadyrocker: I am indeed acquainted with the legendary SilkSmitha, since I come from the same state as her. 😉 And I was glad to read this comment. Hope the guitar and you (and her) are making music…all the very best!

    Like

  15. Brewster's Angle March 13, 2008 at 02:00 Reply

    Holding your nerve through that pain requires a lot of courage. But what breaks you down is this question: what if my wish for not having that courage could come true. the remedy to the questions not getting solved, itself comes as a question. one more to deal with now.

    Brewster’s Angle’s last blog post..Two years after.

    Like

  16. IdeaSmith March 13, 2008 at 11:40 Reply

    @ Brewster’s Angle: Patience, patience is all there is. Time heals all wounds, believe me, old friend.

    Like

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