Closure, Actually

Actually after this, another string of random thoughts on breaking up and the afterlife.


You watch them speak to and of the one they love.
And think, unflinchingly, that they don’t speak to or of you that way.
The only part that hurts is the realisation that they once used to.


When you cannot remember what you were thinking or how you could ever have made that decision and conclude that you were a completely different person then- that’s when you know that you’re completely over them.



Sometimes getting over someone or something is giving yourself permission to be happy.
At other times it’s letting go of the luxury of being sad.
And occasionally, it’s just realizing that you are bored of misery.


You talk about forgiving and forgetting like one follows the other
And some people say that they can forgive but never forget
But in my mind, that’s still vendetta since the memory stays alive and hurtful
I’d much rather forget, even if not forgive
At least life can go on unbound by a straining bond


I am not sorry that you are sad I’m no longer a part of your life
You must be punished for the crime of having hurt me, after all
But I’m just sorry that it all still matters to me
Probably even more than my absence matters to you.


Love is the experience of a person, but also emotions, places, mementos and other people. Being okay with the person is just the first step and not even the easiest one at that. Complete closure is when the entire world that you’ve built and shared with the person starts to feel alright again. It is when, finally…

Friends don’t walk on eggshells around you. Friends aren’t unsure of how to behave with both of you.
Houses, roads, parks and shops don’t make you catch your breath because you were there with them once.
It doesn’t feel ‘wrong’ to be at a certain restaurant with someone else.
Watching a romantic movie or hearing such a song doesn’t send you down a trip of nostalgia.
And you don’t feel guilty about a gift because you’ve gifted someone else the same thing before.

But then, by that premise, there is no such a thing as complete closure. Love is a color that taints you forever.


If you don’t care anymore whether they love you or not, perhaps you never really did.


Fear of loneliness is a good enough reason for a relationship, even if it isn’t a noble one. At least half the relationships around are founded on it and survive quite well.

Sheer habit is another such. What’s wrong with being in a rut? Some people call it stability.


Lack of excitement is a good enough reason for a break-up.
So is lack of commitment.
Far more than lack of love.

For love may be the name we give the ride, but excitement is the fuel and commitment is the nuts-and-bolts that holds the carriage together. And we all know what happens when you try going anywhere without fuel or in a cart that falls apart.


The experience of being loved is really as moving, if not more, than the act of loving.
So believe it or not, no matter how unfair it all was, there is justice in the end.
And they will probably miss you far more than you will miss them, when this is done.


Sometimes a person can do you a great service by not letting you fall in love with them because they think you deserve better.
Even if you disagree, if that’s what they think, they are probably right.


You have the right to be as miserable for as long as you want.
The grave stupidity has already been committed when you fell in love anyway.
Why feel ashamed now?



Cheating and lying are unpardonable.
And it is divine to forgive, a sign of shining, enlightening love.
But no one said you had to be a superhero.


Breaking up can make you feel unlovable, like you were never really loved after all.
But there are many reasons to not love a person.
Duty, ego, fear, indifference, commitment-phobia, emotional detachment.
All of them realistic and logical, none deeply noble.

And there can be only one reason to love a person.
Because you do, that’s all.
That’s neither logical nor noble.
But yes, it is wonderful.


Some of us hold on simply to assure ourselves that we were really, truly, honest-to-goodness, till-death-do-us-apart, irrevocably, madly, fiercely in love.

Perseverance is more important than happiness to some. And ah, how hard we try!



If you tried and the other didn’t, consider that a gift offered wasn’t accepted. Whose loss is that?


There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
But you can’t fish anymore if the last one reeled you in hook, line and sinker.



When it comes down to it, no one is indispensable. If they had been, your lungs would have been attached to their nostrils and your stomach, to their food pipe. That’s a far more practical apparatus.

A lover cannot have been a Siamese twin. And vice versa.


Oddly enough, the very things that attracted you to each other in the first place are the biggest reasons for your breaking up.


Part of mourning the death of the relationship is grieving the loss of their affection for you.
The other part is grieving the loss of your affection for them.



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22 thoughts on “Closure, Actually

  1. Dreamcatcher January 4, 2008 at 13:01 Reply

    There is nothing to say to this post because you have waxed eloquent on it perfectly.


  2. Pragni January 5, 2008 at 01:30 Reply

    And it isn’t a crime to not be a super-hero. To just want to be normal.


  3. Ashish January 5, 2008 at 10:54 Reply

    Profound…Best post i read till date 🙂


  4. Renovatio January 5, 2008 at 15:05 Reply

    Wow. Just Wow.

    Sometimes though, unfortunately, that closure just can’t come while you’re alone and single, no matter how long and hard you try to stay single.


  5. arZan January 6, 2008 at 00:59 Reply

    And….when one thing closes, another opens….Old Jungle Saying.

    So look forward to that opening.


  6. IdeaSmith January 9, 2008 at 06:26 Reply

    @ Dreamcatcher: 😉

    @ Pragni: Superheroes are above normal.

    @ Ashish: Oh, thengyu, thengyu!

    @ Renovatio: I think it does. Just give it time. And well…maybe rebounding isn’t a bad thing either. Other people can sometimes be healing.

    @ arZan: Amen to that! You were quoting The Ghost Who Walks, I believe? 😀


  7. greekalphabet January 9, 2008 at 16:49 Reply

    This is beautiful. And much needed.

    (p.s. how many hours did you actually spend thinking all of that intricate beautiful stuff? some of your words took my breath away):)


  8. ratz January 10, 2008 at 08:37 Reply

    Idea….wonderful post …and I am gifting the link to a dear dear friend who needs closure NOW.


  9. IdeaSmith January 14, 2008 at 05:18 Reply

    @ greekalphabet: A fair number actually. Not spent labouring on this but the ideas all occurred at different points of time and I just collected them together into this one post. Thengyu btw! 😉

    @ ratz: And I hope it helps.


  10. pr January 25, 2008 at 14:52 Reply

    this was.. what can i say.. the word ‘great’ doesn’t exactly capture the feeling. my goodness.. thank you!!!!! hope that conveys my heartfelt appreciation for the writing of great eminence. i needed that.. and i’ll keep coming back to read the post till.. i need to. 🙂


  11. IdeaSmith January 25, 2008 at 14:57 Reply

    @ pr: I’m glad it helped. I really am. Hope you heal soon, very soon.


  12. greekalphabet February 11, 2008 at 16:32 Reply

    everytime i read this… it stings somewhere.



  13. IdeaSmith February 14, 2008 at 09:18 Reply

    @ greekalphabet: Sorry, that wasn’t the intention. Go read the ‘Love, Actually’ post then.


  14. […] make it last. But what about the sometimes inevitable – loss of love? There must be a reason that this post remains one of my most popular ones to […]


  15. shadyrocker March 7, 2008 at 11:15 Reply

    Priceless collection!!


  16. […] make it last. But what about the sometimes inevitable – loss of love? There must be a reason that this post remains one of my most popular ones to […]


  17. IdeaSmith March 11, 2008 at 08:52 Reply

    @ shadyrocker: Thank you. 🙂


  18. priya iyer June 12, 2008 at 09:58 Reply

    a very very beautiful post. am glad i read it. do i have your permission to link to this post on my blog? of course, with due credit given to you. i really loved this…


  19. priya iyer June 12, 2008 at 09:59 Reply

    sorry, forgot to leave the url:

    priya iyers last blog post..The Threesome Tag


  20. IdeaSmith June 15, 2008 at 11:32 Reply

    @ priya iyer: Mighty flattering request that is! I’ve mailed you, go see!


  21. Rambler May 25, 2011 at 14:08 Reply

    “Part of mourning the death of the relationship is grieving the loss of their affection for you.
    The other part is grieving the loss of your affection for them.”
    I thought relationships were void of loss and gain

    Adding one of my own 🙂
    Its a sin to be passionate in a relationship, and to expect the passion back is a homicide


    • IdeaSmith June 10, 2011 at 16:20 Reply

      @Rambler: I’m not sure I like that one or agree.


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